My initiation into motherhood & somatic healing

Becoming a mother is undoubtedly an initiation.

Wounds, beliefs, and experiences that may have been quietly sitting beneath the surface are shaken up and encouraged to emerge from the cracks that form on the path from maiden to mother. 

I remember my partner reading a book while I was pregnant, I think it was “The book you wish your parents had read” by Philippa Perry. He turned to me to let me know that whatever wounds we'd been holding from childhood, they would be activated chronologically as our child reached different ages. 

Oh lord. 

I must say, two and a half years in, I don’t go looking for proof of that too often. But I do take note of what is emerging, what am I finding hard, how I am responding, and, in those moments where I say something EXACTLY as my mother does, I smile fondly and welcome the parts of her that are now me. 

There were a couple of notable challenges for me in the first 12-18 months. 

The anger (sometimes rage) that arose in an unexpected moment where my baby wouldn’t sleep, or someone rang the doorbell at the wrong time, or my partner hadn’t packed a spare muslin in the baby change bag. 

The stress. Low level but always there. Always thinking about the next thing, what is it, are we organised for it, what’s happening next week, are we organised for that, when did the last feed end, what time is the next sleep, what’s our next meal, who’s making it, how am I ever going to make it to that friend’s wedding. It was like this constant hum of stress, which was present in my mind and body.

As someone who was already quite self aware, and conscious of wanting to live a life where I felt free rather than constricted, I started looking at my options for support. 

I’d been engaged in a 12-step recovery program for about 7 years and made a commitment to work through those steps again, and take all the action required. I did do that and it was supportive, but for me personally, I felt like I was bypassing or putting a plaster over these challenges rather than resolving them. 

I still felt stressed, I felt like I had no time. Like the two days that I had to work a week were constrained by nursery drop off and pick up, and there was so much pressure to use every moment of those days. 

On top of that, I started experiencing recurring back problems. Spasming in my lower back. Rendering me immobile for days at a time. Having to call in extra support for childcare, and inviting new worries about what would happen if this was my destiny, and I was going to have a chronically bad back for the rest of my life. How would I have any more children? How would I be a fun mother? What was wrong with me?

Again, I sought out options for support, but this time physically, rather than emotionally. Alongside receiving cranio-sacral therapy, my work with women and birth was leading me down a path of nervous system and trauma curiosity. 

Suddenly, so much became clear to me. The busy thoughts, the back spasms, the anger, it was all as a result of what my body was holding. 

While I am really not about single ‘answers’ or quick fixes (p.s. you aren’t broken - unless you have literally broken a bone), I did feel like I had found the piece of a puzzle that had been hiding under a rug somewhere. 

I started making intentional time to invite awareness into my body, especially when my back showed signs of flaring up. I invited more consistent movement into my life, even if that was just getting my toddler to have a dance party with me, or doing a few little laps of the kitchen between writing emails. 

I also started really taking note of my stress, and how I was feeling it in my body. When I noticed it was present, I would invite space in the part of my body where I was holding the stress. 

I was leaning into my intuition, and in many ways just making it up as I went along. 

Just after my daughter turned two I decided to leave the 12-step program I had been a part of for 8-years. There was no bad taste, or hard feelings, it just didn’t feel like it was the right thing for me anymore. 

I signed up to embark on an immersive 12-week somatic therapy training with the Focalizing Institute, and have quite honestly, never felt like something was more of a homecoming and culmination of my lived experience than that training. It gave structure, depth, and language to something I had come to independently, and that I know is so needed in our disconnected world. 

Somatic work invites wisdom, it invites spirit, it invites the resolution of generational and lived trauma, it invites the teachings of our ancestors. It is within us, and beyond us. And it has my heart.

📖 If you’ve enjoyed reading this, or found it helpful, you will find my full and up-to-date collection of writings over on Substack